Lost the Key

Since the beginning, I have been overwhelmed with love. Even as a toddler, Mickey and Minnie were our first “real” couple. Eventually, it changed to Ariel and Eric, and then Rapunzel and Eugene, my favorite! We also fondly remember these famous couples: Cory and Topanga, Jesse and Becky, and Prince Harry and Meghan. Our culture is in love with “being in love”. So, naturally, these feelings have started to take root in younger kids. And while love is a worldwide phenomenon that knits families, friends, and people together, it is also demonstrated through our society to have a partner in life.

Recently, I’ve been questioning myself. I’m thirteen and have never had a crush. Actually, this is not 100% accurate because I have to admit that I’ve had crushes on fictional characters, but never a real live human being. Yep, weird, I know. Let’s continue. I thought something was wrong with me; after all, I am “the one” at the sleepover who talks about the guy in the book that she had just read.

Why do I do this? I blame it on being abandoned multiple times in China, reading too many romances, and watching television. In all these plots, it usually consists of falling madly in love (usually not admitting it), betrayal or something taken the wrong way, breaking up, crying in bed for a day, and then getting back together. You see, as an author, I can create a enticing story plot, but unfortunately, this is also one of my weaknesses. I create stories in my head of possible life circumstances and end up making them end terribly. This is similar to daydreaming about my birth parents, except these mini stories could be Hollywood blockbusters but not with a happy Disney ending.

A lot of this is psychological. If I never like a guy, I can never get hurt. If the guy never likes me back, I won’t be upset because I will never let myself dwell on him.

Summing up, I’ve basically locked up all my feelings for guys in a little box and lost the key.

It’s not just my overly creative mind; it’s a coping mechanism. If I can make myself afraid of attaching to someone, then, I can’t be hurt by that person. When you create these stories, they start to haunt you in life and affect your decisions, actions, and thoughts. Being scared of love creates walls harder to tear down, which leads to less people hurting you. I lost a lot of people during my early years, and because of that, I’m trying to protect myself from losing people in the future.

Honestly, I’m not sure where this understanding will lead me. I might not have feelings for a guy until I’m seventeen, or it might be in five months, I really don’t know. I just know that in time these puzzle pieces of my life will fall into place, just like God planned.

In My Head

I love to daydream. In fact, most of my spare time is either writing or daydreaming, or both. I even daydream about what I'm writing! Another thing I find myself dreaming about is my birth family. What they must look like, how they act, their favorite things, and when I'm going to meet them.

Sometimes, I feel guilty about this. It's why I've never shared it with people. I love my family, and I would do anything for them. But, I want to love my birth family, too. I don't know anything about them, so I make up the facts. Some of them are reasonable: they must look Chinese, mainly because I am Chinese, and they must have somewhat thick hair because my mop of hair frustrates me to no end! Here are some other “random” facts from my imagination: my birth-dad would be nifty and good at fixing things, and my birth-mom would like to knit.

Have you ever done this? Even if you know your birth family and what they are like, have you ever pictured them differently? I believe we do this to fill in the facts that we don’t know. I sit and just try to picture them in my life. Usually, my logic comes in and scorns me, giving me reasons of why it will never happen. Or it will point out that everyone has bad qualities, and I have to include some in my “way” too perfect family.

At the end of my daydreaming, I'm more confused than ever before. I want to have answers, yet I'm scared to get the answers because they might not be what I wanted or pictured. I sometimes stop myself in the middle of my daydreaming because I know at the end, reality comes back to taunt me. And, in real life, I don't know anything about my birth family except that they existed.

I have created scenarios in my head in order to “cope” with the loss that I feel inside. I do dream about meeting them, and when they look at me for the very first time, they break into the biggest smile.  However, in other scenarios, when I meet them, they do not like my family, and think I am "too American." That's when I try to block out my imagination. But when I do that, my logic comes back in and tells me that they might not even be alive. And then, I want to go back to daydreaming again. At least, these stories can be made up and have happy endings!

It's like a war in my head when it comes to my birth family. I want to love them, but then, I don't because they might not like me. I want to daydream about them, yet reality likes to spoil my dreams. Ever felt this way? If you do, you’re not alone. Honestly, I cannot tell you how to deal with this, but I would say it’s normal for us to make up facts because we don’t have the answers. I hoped this helped you! Please feel free to comment below. God bless!

Comments to Avoid

There are certain things we all dislike hearing. Some comments we take to heart, some are easily dismissed, but others can just be perplexing. As an adoptee, I find these specific comments can be insensitive. Anyway, these comments can cause me to feel confused.

I wish I could be adopted.

Yeah, it could appear that adoptees have more of an exciting past than people who haven’t been adopted, but I find myself at a loss for words when someone says this. A school friend made this remark to me one time, and I couldn’t figure out why they would want to be adopted.  Maybe it’s because I never said anything regarding my pain, but my lack of answers from my past still mystified me. I didn’t think anyone would choose to have a traumatic past filled with such questions?

Technically, we are all adopted in Christ.

This is a true statement, and I won’t deny that.  But there’s something about this comment that makes me feel like my hurt is disregarded.

Why are you so curious about your past? Aren’t you thankful for what you have?

Let me tell you something: just because you want answers, does not mean you’re not thankful. Anyone who tells you this is wrong. Being curious and wanting answers is just you trying to find the answers that most people have as common knowledge.

What is it like to be adopted?

Being adopted sometimes feels like you’re being stereotyped. Everyone seems to think that you can’t handle certain things, you have a low self-esteem, or that you are “special.” We are special, but not in the way people seem to think.

What happened?

I dislike hearing this - mainly because I’m not just going to tell any random person something as personal as my past. Yes, I know this is being vulnerable, but there is a certain point where you can choose to protect your privacy.

You were too young to remember anything anyway.

Nobody is too young to remember something as scarring as losing a family. You just can’t. Trauma affects anyone no matter how young - and that can affect you decades after it happened. I might not remember any specifics, but I remember the feelings.

It could’ve been worse.

Very true. Things could always be worse, but please, don’t say this to anyone. This statement can make people feel like their pain isn’t valid, and someone else’s pain is more important. Each person’s pain is different and needs to be addressed individually.

They gave you up, so it wasn’t love.

Sometimes, the greatest act of love is giving someone up. It isn’t always this way, but there are reasons why parents have to leave their children. And people seem to forget that in this process, a parent’s heart can break, too.

We all unintentionally say remarks before realizing the impact that these words can have. I don’t want you to be afraid that everything you say to an adoptee will be hurtful, but comments, such as these, should be avoided. I would love to hear from you! God bless!