October 20, 2018

Lost the Key

Since the beginning, I have been overwhelmed with love. Even as a toddler, Mickey and Minnie were our first “real” couple. Eventually, it changed to Ariel and Eric, and then Rapunzel and Eugene, my favorite! We also fondly remember these famous couples: Cory and Topanga, Jesse and Becky, and Prince Harry and Meghan. Our culture is in love with “being in love”. So, naturally, these feelings have started to take root in younger kids. And while love is a worldwide phenomenon that knits families, friends, and people together, it is also demonstrated through our society to have a partner in life.

Recently, I’ve been questioning myself. I’m thirteen and have never had a crush. Actually, this is not 100% accurate because I have to admit that I’ve had crushes on fictional characters, but never a real live human being. Yep, weird, I know. Let’s continue. I thought something was wrong with me; after all, I am “the one” at the sleepover who talks about the guy in the book that she had just read.

Why do I do this? I blame it on being abandoned multiple times in China, reading too many romances, and watching television. In all these plots, it usually consists of falling madly in love (usually not admitting it), betrayal or something taken the wrong way, breaking up, crying in bed for a day, and then getting back together. You see, as an author, I can create a enticing story plot, but unfortunately, this is also one of my weaknesses. I create stories in my head of possible life circumstances and end up making them end terribly. This is similar to daydreaming about my birth parents, except these mini stories could be Hollywood blockbusters but not with a happy Disney ending.

A lot of this is psychological. If I never like a guy, I can never get hurt. If the guy never likes me back, I won’t be upset because I will never let myself dwell on him.

Summing up, I’ve basically locked up all my feelings for guys in a little box and lost the key.

It’s not just my overly creative mind; it’s a coping mechanism. If I can make myself afraid of attaching to someone, then, I can’t be hurt by that person. When you create these stories, they start to haunt you in life and affect your decisions, actions, and thoughts. Being scared of love creates walls harder to tear down, which leads to less people hurting you. I lost a lot of people during my early years, and because of that, I’m trying to protect myself from losing people in the future.

Honestly, I’m not sure where this understanding will lead me. I might not have feelings for a guy until I’m seventeen, or it might be in five months, I really don’t know. I just know that in time these puzzle pieces of my life will fall into place, just like God planned.


  1. Oh, yes, they will. You are EXACTLY where you need to be, and where you were meant to be. So proud to know you: such a talented, thoughtful young lady. Your post reminds me of a quote from. German poet that I read as a young woman, Rainer Maria Rilke, who wrote: ““Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.”

    1. Thank you so much for this comment! I love this quote! You are right - I’m exactly where I need to be right now. Thank you for this reminder!


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