September 6, 2018

In My Head

I love to daydream. In fact, most of my spare time is either writing or daydreaming, or both. I even daydream about what I'm writing! Another thing I find myself dreaming about is my birth family. What they must look like, how they act, their favorite things, and when I'm going to meet them.

Sometimes, I feel guilty about this. It's why I've never shared it with people. I love my family, and I would do anything for them. But, I want to love my birth family, too. I don't know anything about them, so I make up the facts. Some of them are reasonable: they must look Chinese, mainly because I am Chinese, and they must have somewhat thick hair because my mop of hair frustrates me to no end! Here are some other “random” facts from my imagination: my birth-dad would be nifty and good at fixing things, and my birth-mom would like to knit.

Have you ever done this? Even if you know your birth family and what they are like, have you ever pictured them differently? I believe we do this to fill in the facts that we don’t know. I sit and just try to picture them in my life. Usually, my logic comes in and scorns me, giving me reasons of why it will never happen. Or it will point out that everyone has bad qualities, and I have to include some in my “way” too perfect family.

At the end of my daydreaming, I'm more confused than ever before. I want to have answers, yet I'm scared to get the answers because they might not be what I wanted or pictured. I sometimes stop myself in the middle of my daydreaming because I know at the end, reality comes back to taunt me. And, in real life, I don't know anything about my birth family except that they existed.

I have created scenarios in my head in order to “cope” with the loss that I feel inside. I do dream about meeting them, and when they look at me for the very first time, they break into the biggest smile.  However, in other scenarios, when I meet them, they do not like my family, and think I am "too American." That's when I try to block out my imagination. But when I do that, my logic comes back in and tells me that they might not even be alive. And then, I want to go back to daydreaming again. At least, these stories can be made up and have happy endings!

It's like a war in my head when it comes to my birth family. I want to love them, but then, I don't because they might not like me. I want to daydream about them, yet reality likes to spoil my dreams. Ever felt this way? If you do, you’re not alone. Honestly, I cannot tell you how to deal with this, but I would say it’s normal for us to make up facts because we don’t have the answers. I hoped this helped you! Please feel free to comment below. God bless!

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